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 From my news post. VERY TL;DR

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PostSubject: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/5/2011, 7:54 pm

This time, in a news post, I have decided to use every single character remaining. That is right, every single 32,000 of them. Sure, some of what I say may have to be filler, but that is all right. Who cares anyways, it is not like anyone will read it passed the first few paragraphs. Even if they/you do read it passed that, why bother commenting on it? There will not be a TL;DR section, either.

Well, why have I decided to do this? It is the fourth of May in the year two-thousand eleven. While the date is not significant in any way, shape or form (besides being Star Wars day) it is close to one that is important to me. Those two dates are the fifth and sixth of May. It had only been a year, though. If you go back through my news posts, you can see one on the seventh of May. That was is the one I will be referring to when typing this.

Or rather, it is nothing simplier than an aniversary. Aniversarys, I assume, should only apply to things that are still continuing. This one, however, is it. It ended, quite a while ago. Actually, I have a news post about that as well! Do I not make ones that only matter to me? Yes, yes I do. That one would have to be on the fifteenth of January this year. Though that, of course, was one day after it had happened.

Now that I, apparently, have your attention. I would like to actually come out and say it. I, myself, am talking about nothing simpiler than a relationship before I had even reached high school! That is right, there is nothing stupider than that. Why then? Why am I so interested in it? Why am I typing this out about a subject of relatively no significance later in life. I do not know. I do know, however, that the word "love" can get tossed around so casually. That is why people rarely take ones pre-college (I would assume, though I may be wrong.) casually.

I, myself, never have. I have always planned for the long term. Long term meaning, continuing for years etc. I am one to give it more thought than it should have; one who makes it a much bigger deal than it has to be. Of course, I cannot really say this. This is actually the first one that I have ever had, so I have nothing with which I can compare it. Though I willl have to say, if this is something trivial then I am, quite frankly, astonished at how strongly you could feel for someone whom you love.

That is my stance on it, that I am in love with this person. I know many of you will brush it off. Say I am delusioned, that I am too young. That is something I hope is true. I hope I am not, yet I am sort-of happy I am. Enough with myself being so..what is the word...mysterious about it. Time to actually say what I need to say. To say my mind in these 30,000 or-so characters remaining.

First of all, I would like to admit one thing. I know few of you actually believed me when I said that I was a girl, but I will outright say it, I am not. (Off-topic for a bit. The reason I do that is because I, to some extent, actually wish I were born a girl. You may say that is gay, but nay! I would be a lesbian girl. I do not know why, but I wish that. I do this on the internet because it gives me relief from my daily life. It allows me to be what I could not, and cannot be in real-life. I shall not get a sex-change because, frankly, I do not believe they work. At all. I will still tell people I am a girl, yet it is in black and white here. I am not. I will still try to pretend on the forums.)

The first thing on my mind is "why?" Why do I feel like this? The person of whom I am talking is named Doanne. Plain and simple. Though it is an uncommon, if not extremelly rare, name, I kind of like it. Enough of about that, "why?" With no other person had I thought about this much. Before, say, March, you could argue about the majority of triviality in it. My thoughts had only been an "I wish she were here" kind of thing. Now what are they? They are wondering. Wondering about what she had thought, wondering about what I actually think. Wondering about my ineptness. Wondering, like now, why I am wondering. (Inception!) Wondering about the meaning of love. Wondering on how I can improve myself. And now, I fear I am too late in that.

I am too late in that because I hesitate. I hesitate on doing simple things, yet I actually know what I was supposed to do. In the case that I do not, I know what to do after the event had occured. What are these "simple things" you might ask? Why, they are none other than everyday boyfriendlike things. That, I cannot do. Though I have driven my mind to trying for some time, I cannot bring myself to actually do them. What would that mean for the future? Would that mean that, whomever I am with, I still would not be able to be like that? Well, that is a sure way to fuck up any person I would be with in the future.

Infact, let me digress a bit here. Before this, that is to say before the sixth of may, I thought to myself "If I do get one, great! If I do not, fine!" Now it is like, "I NEED ONE NOW!" I do not actually need one; I never did. It was only after recieveing a taste of what it was like did I actually develop a sort of "addiction" as it were. Indeed, I am too young to start needing them. That is what they say. Or am I? Does it matter how young I am as long as I am sufficiently developed emotionally? Looking at what I have done in the past, I am not, apparently. I do much thinking without actually doing.

I am bored quite often, and when I am bored I think. I think about everything there is to think about. More recently, it has been about her. That is what has been with me almost 24/7. Hell, even in my dreams I cannot escape this. Really, I think I should start from the beggining. The beggining being last year somewhere from December to January. That would be where to start. I think I shall do that.

As it were, I really thought I had needed a girlfriend. I really did, though I was being stupid at the time. It was the sort of thing you do just for fun. The things where you do not really care about whether or not you succeed. And that is what it was. Then, one of my "friends" (Though I would not like to think he was), Tristan, had a friend. She was the one whom this post is about. All I had to do was hear what he had to say and see her once. That is where I would try again.

I am one for obvious subtly. That is to say it is obvious I am trying to act subtle. He, and her, always sat at the table behind my friends and I at lunch. What did I do? Just pretend I was there to annoy him, though it was really for that. Well, I actually did get to become friends with her, and for quite a long time. It all has to do with finding a common interested. Say what you will, but this will have to be WoW. Yes, Doanne. Shout "Leeroy Jenkins" even though it is years old.

Before I forget, I would like to say this. It would have been better if I had stayed friends. Now I actually know, to some degree, how relationships, in one sense, actually ruin some people's overall relationship, in another. Now, she cannot even bother to be around me, though I should get to that later.

This was last year about which I am talking. This is the better one. The one where everything was almost peechy-keen, and happy. So, after a month, she knew what I wanted, though did not be with me. That was actually a good choice for her. Nothing really interesting happened during those months until May came. Well, nothing interesting that I did not find out until recently.
This was posted sometime around Februrary. So she did for awhile. That, I actually did not know until January of this year when I did some snooping around Ouran.dark.bb. That site actually removed all of their boards around a week ago. I can still revisit some posts and pms, but that place, which she made me go to, made a cookie-crumb trail there.

Anyways, the two days I started to go out with her were the fifth and sixth of May, as I have said. The fifth I recieved a note. The sixth is the day it actually started. See, I am on time. It is only the fourth and I have one hour to type it which I will probably finish in the morning of the fifth. Just on time. It was your standard note. "I liked you" "Let us go out" blah blah. You get the meaning. I was excited! Little did I know of my ineptness. Little did I know how bad it would be, atleast on my end. I still have barely a clue as to how it was on hers.

That, I shall save for after I finish my story. Anyways, there are a few key points which I would have to bring out during this one month we spent, at school, like this. The filler months were summer. All in all, we were together a good eight months. That is quite a long time considering most of the other ones are around three. Taking the summer and "other" thing into consideration, it is four months. That is slightly above average. Taking only the "other" thing into consideration, it is seven.

The first point which I realised I could not do anything (When I told my friend this he took the word "do" as have sex. Quite funny, actually.) It was around twenty days after, and nothing had happened. That is to say, nothing outside of the realm that friends could do. Her friends tried to get us to. You know, take baby steps. Hold hands. Shit like that. What was I met with? "This dosen't feel right." (It is a quote so therefore I am not using a contraction!" Oh, wow. Nice going there. I do feel better now! Thanks, Doanne.

The last day of school, the twenty-seventh of May, was a sort of "last chance". The night before I told myself that I would not fail. That I would actually conquer my "fear" if that is what it is to be called. I do not know. Did I? No, I did not. Again, I sat there, doing nothing. No matter how many times I went through it in my head at that moment, no matter how many times she said I had to, because it is real bad when she knows I cannot, I did not.

That was that. Nothing really interesting happened through the summer. Oh hey, it is your birthday? That is right, it is the fifth of August! What, you want me to come? Well no, I cannot. I do not want my dad to know. Oh, you are dissapointed and even woke up early to hear my answer? Too bad. (Or atleast that is the short-hand version of the only big thing that happened during the summer.) Even that is more trivial than I am saying. I know I am using these words often, but that is the only way that my tiny vocabulary can explain it. Yet another time where I cannot do something. I should have actually gone. I conquered that hill a bit later. September actually.

Well, it is the beggining of eigth grade. Time for a fresh, new year. Time to actually fix my mistakes. (Though it turned out to be the opposite) The important thing here is to note that I was just invited on a sort of "half date" with her. You know, her friends were there too, but I cannot say whether or not it was. In any case, Starbucks. You know, that fucking expensive-ass place. Yeah, I cannot stand it either, but it is good if you have the money. Well, the actual important thing to realise at this place is a "First kiss". The one which I cannot forget. Why can I not? Simple? It was so horrible, though pleasing, that I cannot. They were actually forcing me to do it, to the point that it became annoying. So I missed first turn, then tried again and quickly regressed to my seat. What were the first words I heard out of her mouth? "Scarred for life!" Because it is fucking nice to hear you detest the only thing I have ever done, up to this point, that even remotely felt like we were together.

So her and her friend, who "forced" me, went off. That is actually one of her characteristics. Happening three times, up to this moment in time. Running off. They were outside, on the little Starbucks pattio. Myself and the three dudes were there too. So we went into the Kroger next door, and I myself bought a pack of redbull. This is kind-of funny. When I sat back inside Starbucks, there they were, Doanne and C.C (What the hell is her real name and why do we call her that?) I actually drank all six Red-bulls. Or rather six halves of them making it three. I do not know why, I just find that funny. Oh, yes! Let us all go to her house!

A simple house, really. Kind of nice, kind of poorish, kind of cozy. Exactly what I would like to have. Oh my god, was I bored out of my mind. And, oh my god, have I never acted like such a passive-agressive asshat in my life. Wait, where did this asshatness come from? Well, it came when she told me that I was the exact opposite of her dream guy. Now, not only was I insulted from before, but yet again! Yet again was I!

I shrugged it off. Though I was sad at the time, those words have stuck with me. What did I do to be bored and an asshole? First of all, I started at all the paintings for god-knows-what. Staring into the paintings so that you can get a sort of meaning out of them. The second thing was just, well, general complaining without saying anything. That, I cannot explain, but I am sure you understand what I mean.

So, after being there for what was around eight hours, I headed home. And that was my first out of three adventures with her somewhere outside of school. The second one was, by far, the most pleasent and the one I have the least things to say about. It was just Halloween, and I was there, outside. Did I mention she looks amazing when dressed gothic? No? Well, I do. Anyways, it was just that. The third, however, was the one where I, looking back on it, had really set myself up for disaster.

Before that, however, I will have to say I broke up with her for one month. This was in November. It was the smart thing to do, really. I knew that I could not do anything and that it was not going well. So I did the "logical" thing and broke up with her. One month later, I desired her again (to say the least) and did the "illogical" thing of getting back together. When I tried, she did run away from me, but I was actually able to talk to her. After this she made me promise "not to fuck it up this time" which I broke not one month later.

Did I also mention that I used to love D&B before that time? No? Well, I do. All we did was walk around and talk. It felt like we were enemies, and I continually made it worse and worse by saying the wrong things, like I am now. After leaving there, I would like to keep that part short, I recieved what was, quite frankly, the biggest fucking cookie I have ever seen in my life. It was around two feet, maybe, in diameter and was oatmeal rasin. Aww, how sweet. You took the time to bake a giant cookie which was my most favorite kind, oatmeal rasin. Aww, how sweet. I did not have the common-fucking-courtesy to say "thank you".

At any rate, the last two days were the thirteenth and fourteenth of January. I was fed up with her kicking me/getting mad at me for every little thing I had said to her. Believe me, I do say a lot of stupid shit. So what was my solution? It was not the smart thing of trying to improve what was being said. Nay, it was shutting up completely. Because if I did not say anything at all, how could she be mad at me? That was when my luck ran out. On the fourteenth of January, 2011 at around 22:00, she broke up with me. By text. I was not mad that it was by text, we are both not good at this sort of thing. Consistently throughout that night, I came to realise that I was not with her anymore. Hell, my feelings towards her can be explained in this thread. I liked her the more I was away, because her annoying me was not as fresh in my mind. Less the more time I spent. Right now, I wish I ccould spend all that time.

And now, with that, I come to the end of my story. That is the end of my story, and the second half of this news post will have to be spent conveying my thoughts and feelings. You know what I learned today? During Christmas break she was thinking about doing what she did. She texted my friend who replied "Do what you think is right." At first, I thought this meant she thought it was right to break up with me, which I have no qualms about. No, that cannot be. This was a full two weeks before she did. She thought it was right to give me more chances, that she should not. What did I do about that? I just threw that all away, did I not? She had shown me mercy, and I had rejected it. Look where I am now.

During March I was visited by C.C again telling me I should be with her again. The thought festered in my mind for a whole two weeks until it snapped. I tried. Before I could even say more than the fact I wanted to talk to her, she knew what I wanted. She said no. Hell, I have tried several more times since then, including today, to no avail. I even tried asking if she would read a note from me tommorow, seeing as tommorow is one year since, yet "no". She knows what that is about. Sure, I may want to be with you again, but do you actually know what I think? What I thought? I cannot come up with the right words to convince her to merely read it. I have no time to do it. If I have to think on the spot what I need to say, I will fail. And that is what has happned. If I had time to carefully consider what I had to say then maybe I could convince her more so then now.

There is no other person which I have felt, at all, close to. Or rather, cared for. Even one of my friends told me that the only thing I have really cared about/thought about was her and nothing else. He said that she was the only one, as far as he has seen and I know, I cared for. That may be true, but why? What have I done, has she done, to "capture" me?

Or, does it even matter? Does it matter at all seeing how old we both are. I think that it does matter, but I have explained all the simple things I cannot do. That is does not matter; that it is meaningless. Or is it? Do I actually feel love. I do not throw that word around lightly when I am being serious. I actually mean it when I say it. I think that I actually am. If I am not, it must be pretty damn close, if it is not close then DAMN, I wonder what it actually is like.

But what good is what I think if she does not? She did, I am sure. She even had a note where she said it, which I have only found around two weeks ago. I do not know whether it is on a lighter, heavier, or the same note as I am on. I cannot know because I have no further input from her. I am left on my own devices to think, to wonder, to conclude. If I only knew what she thinks or thought.

Again, I am left to this part. Everything else I have to say will not matter if this, itself, does not. Let me assume that I am. What is there that I can do? I have tried to forget about it, but that does not work. It did work, one time. The month or two after we had broken up, I was fine. I was fine until C.C dug those memories up from within my brain. I was fine until she dug up those feelings. Now what am I? Reduced to writing in order to get my throughts out. I do not even like writing, but Doanne would not read what I have to right. She does not care.

Or rather, she did. Another thing that I have heard was she would never stop talking about me. Is that so? I had always thought she did not. Indeed, one of the other times I have tried talking to her she would not. She said she did not like talking. Though that may have been a lie in order to get me to go away, assume it is true. If she always did before, and did not now, what had I done? 100% it is my fault that she is not. It has, really, always been my fault.

Every single little problem that was in that relationship can be traced back to what I have done, or what I did not do. Well, since my mind is a little foggy right now, let me quote some things which I have written about her. I actually did do all of these quotes on paper. They are as follows :

"I think I have found why I cannot do anything. It is a self-fufilling prophecy, really. I do not believe in myself that I can do it. In that, I do not do it and it, then, fuels my disbelief."

"So I have punched through the wall of self-doubt and delay only to reveal another wall. Timeliness. I waited too long, done too little. Now, with most certanty, she has moved on to other people. And what do I think? I regress back to thinking she cannot get anyone. Hell, I outright want her to try and be rejected. For her to be only for me. And then for her to come back to me. What do we call that? Selfishness. No doubt. It is not going to happen. I have had my chances and lost them."

" Now, our 'relationship' is a diode."

"There will never be one whom I will be with. Everyone has someone, but not all people have more than one person. Doanne was that one person."

"To quote A Series of Unfortunate Events 'he who hesitates is lost'. Indeed, I am lost. Lost so far that I cannot find my way out, my way back; back towards the light. The light you eminate."

"My fault. It has always been my fault. No matter what, it can be traced back to what I have done or did not do. Most of the time to what I did not do."

Well, those are some quotes which I have written in a sort of "note" to her. The note is around ten written pages long. She will not read it, I know that. Maybe she will, I do not know. That is still in the future. I am only writing about the past, am I not?

You know something else, I would marry her if I could. Now you may say, "Are you not making a mistake?" Maybe I am, maybe I am not. Does it matter if I choose to live with it, whether or not it be a mistake. I do not care; I feel strong enough to make my own descions about how I would live life. Mistake or not. I will live with it either way, no matter how "bad" it turns out. (Of course, there are always limits, but you understand my point I am sure.)

I would be willing to make those choices now. Though you can see why I am unable to! Jokes aside, though the descision was not a joke, I am being serious. I would like to hear what other people have to comment on this sort of thing. Do I feel as strong as I think I do, or should I just wait a bit longer and see how utterly insignificant it is?

I would imagine you would say the latter, but I am unsure. In her case, it is this. I will keep trying. You know, I am technically following her advice. She once said to me "A guy is supposed to be relentless." (Yes, she is one of those girls in some part.) Well, I am sure that is not what she meant I should be relentless about, but relentless I shall be. Once she said "Do you ever go away?" Sure, I do. That does not mean I cannot be near you. Or, it does since she cannot even look at me. I see it to, whenever I pass near her, her eyes avert away. Maybe that is because I am so ugly!

Another thing which I should be thinking about is something else she said. That I am obsessed about her. Perhaps I am. Perhaps, isntead of love, it is nothing but excess obsession and infatuation. I cannot tell. It does not matter what I think; it only matters what she thinks at this point. I have tried going over this many times. Asking myself the question, "Am I obsessed with her?" The short answer would have to be, "Yes. Yes I am". Of course, I have argued with this myself. All I am doing is just trying, just trying to have her back one more time.

One more time may seem like a cliche phrase, but it is actually different this time. The other two times I was unaware why I could not do anything, and so helpless to stop myself. Helpless to stop myself I am not, this time. This time, I do know what I should overcome so that I may work on them. Of course, I would actually have to see. If I am sucessfull, which I highly doubt, then I may or may not succeed. I am sure though, that I would be better.

I am not given a chance though. It is met with three things. "I like someone else." "Can't you get it through your thick skull that I don't like you anymore?" "I don't want to be like my parents."

The first one is, well, timliness. I took too long to try and come back, and this is where I am. Hearing all the things I have heard about her, people just seem to not like her. I have heard this from nearly everyone I have met, excluding her friends, so I, myself, do not believe she can get anyone but me. That is selfish in itself, though I do have my reasons. Mainly what I have heard from literally everyone.

Can I not get it through my skull? I can, actually. I just do not like to believe it is true. I do not want to believe it is true that you do not feel anything but distaste for me anymore. The through is quickly shot down in my brain. "No! You still do! I just have to dig deeper!"

And the third one I have no arguement about. (Fuck am I speaking in second-person? Switching to third-person.) Doanne does not like her dad, period. Or, atleast, from what I have heard. She has also said that I am very much like him and get along well. She does not want it to be like them where they fought and eventually got back together. Or atleast, that is what I think. I have only been given the bare-bons, but it is almost like it was now. I have not been given details, nor do I expect to be given, about what the "fought" part is like. In anycase, it would be like her parents and she does not want that. Fine, but would it really be the same? We are different people, it would be different.

And, if they had not gotton back together, I doubt Doanne would have been born. She does not seem to have a high taste of life, though. She even one asked me about the point of living, saying that we should all just die now. I did not like hearing her say that. Her life, right now, is more precious to me than my own. I cannot use that arguement against her since she, apparently, does not have a liking to living. It is sad that another little Doanne cannot be born (The baby would be so cute ^_^).

That last reason I cannot argue against, and as long as she still has one reason, I have 0% chance of being with her again. Not being with her I cannot stand. Even if we are not in a relationship, can I not be her friend? Can I not hear her talk/say things/give opinions? No, I cannot. No matter how much I miss that. It is just another reason why relationships, in one sense, ruins relationships in another. Even that, as I have heard, would be just like her parents.

So no, apparently I cannot have any contact with her whatsoever besides the one minute, at the most, I can spend begging her to take me back. Those are not evne good minutes. It is littered with me repeating the same line over and over again. Littered and landfilled with the words "Please" and "no".

I make no good use of it, because, like I said before, I need time to think about what I am going to say. I wish Doanne would actually talk to me rather than just walk off. Talk to me whilst giving her own opinions and letting me carefully think about what I am going to say. I hope that, atleast, happens. At any rate, I have one month from yesterday to fix it. I doubt it will happen, but I have cheap duct-tape ready.

I do not even know how to go about saying what I feel like. I freeze up and cannot think to myself. It is repeating over and over again. I know I am not good at this, but for my sake, I have to be. For my sake, is that all I am really thinking about?

How it makes me feel? What about her? What about how she felt through those eight months. Did she actually feel the same way? I do not know, besides what I have been told and what has been posted. If she did, I assume, then look at what I have done. Look at the mess I have made! Someone who could not stand to be away from me, let us assume, just going out of her way to avoid me.

Do you see? Do you see how much of a fuck-up I am? Still, I am only thinking of myself. Maybe I did cause some pain, emotionally, to her. For that, I am sorry. Can I make it up? Can I have a redemption? Survey says no, but it may still be a one-pointer.

It may be that last one, the #6 on the list that had the least amount of votes. You know, we do not miss the things we have until they are gone. We take them for granted. This is common knowledge, but you do not actually feel the strength of those words until it happens to you. Hell, Doanne even wrote me a note, the second one wherein she said she loved me, saying that. This, I am realising first-hand now.

I should not have taken it for granted, and I probably do deserve what I am feeling right now. Am I depressed? No, that would have to be around everything. I would use the words "moderately sad" about Doanne. Or maybe it is just the same feelings every teenager feels when they go through a break-up. Maybe it is nothing special. Maybe it is generic.

Maybe it is so generic people should not give two-shits about it and just move on with their lives. I cannot, but Doanne can. That is what matters. For what I have done, I should suffer a bit for it. I should feel sad for a lot longer than it should actually be. I need that to have the message sink in. The message that I should never be like that with another person; the message that these things should not be taken lightly.

However, like I said before, "There is no one else whom I will be with. Everyone has someone, but not everyone has more than one person. Doanne was that person." I still have three-thousand characters left, so I will have to add in the filler. Indeed, the last few paragraphs may be filled since I am just drawing them out in order to get the maximum amount of length.

Is there any other story which I can tell? Yes, there is. That time through Halloween and how Doanne looks. Well, Halloween was fun. I did get to walk around and talk with her for around an hour, which was nice even though we did not discuss much. The things we did discuss, if you would know, you could tell that it was not a great relationship. After that, we just sat and handed out candy. I remember her trying to hit me with a stick several times. That actually hurt, but her mother just say it was because she likes me. Oh, if only she would do that now. Even though it annoyed me, I am wishing for it now. I am wishing for her to do those things again.

How does she look? Well, I cannot explain it other than beauty and cuteness mixed into a little ball. She, normally, has a ponytail that goes down to the middle of her back, and is dirty-blonde. I am not good at descriptions other than that, so make due yourself. Other than that, green eyes? And there is this thing she can do where she moves one eyeball around in its socket while the other stays in place. Hey! Her "location" on Ouran.dark.bb said that. If you would like to see it, simply go to the users section and find Iluvkarou, or something of the like. I am sure she would not mind. That site is dead and she has not been on it since the seventh of November, I believe.

Well, I am about to wrap this thing up. You may tell me to go to the relationship crew, but I do not know how to go about it. I do not know what to say, exactly. Just like it is with Doanne. This, I will not like about. If you are still here, reading, then congratulations. You have gone through most, if not all, of the thoughts I have about Doanne up to this point. I hope you have enjoyed, somewhat, my inner-thoughts.

As you can see, I am not good at expressing myself, notwithstanding this almost 32,000 character news post being my biggest post ever. Though I may not be good at it, or may have not done it well, I feel as if I have given too much information, and not enough feeling. Like teachers used to say, show not tell. Well I have told, and that is all I have been good for. And so, I will end this with a few final words.

Doanne, thank you. Thank you for taking the time out of your life to bake me that cookie; thank you for just being there. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for being alive. Thank you, for everything. I do love you, and that, I am sure, will not change with time so long as I live. There should always be some small piece of my blackened heart open for you, if you would only look inside. I am sure you will not be interested anytime soon, but it is there.

Thank you, Doanne.
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PostSubject: Re: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/7/2011, 9:41 pm

Wow... that was deep... and long. Honestly though, I did end up reading the whole thing and I think I've come to a decision. I don't think what you're feeling is generic, because if all our feelings are generic, then what's the point of having them? However, I do feel like maybe you're putting all your eggs in one basket. After all, it might be painful to consider, but there are many fish in the sea, and chances are one of them is just as good. It just might take awhile to find her.

Also, I was once in a situation where my "friends" all wanted me to kiss somebody. I didn't, but it was still terribly awkward. And annoying, so I know how that feels. They're just idiots, really.

Lastly, I was seriously fooled. I'm sure you've seen that your avatar/cartoon character is a female tiger, I hope you don't mind. I really thought you were a girl. Oops... sorry!
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PostSubject: Re: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/8/2011, 6:19 pm

Well, there are two things missing here that are on my newsposts. The two links. Visit that if you would like to know what I meant by saying "This wasted posted sometime in Februrary" "In this thread" etc.

By generic I meant it was, generally, the same thing that most people feel around this age. I may be too quick in judging that she is the only one, but I shall see.
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PostSubject: Re: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/11/2011, 1:06 pm

First of all, holy crap. That is one huge essay.

I can't say that i read it all. I tried to, really, but it was just too long. And i think i've read enough information to give a reply.
I think you won't believe me, but really, you don't need her. You may think that you do, but you have to realize that you don't need her, otherwise you will never be able to let her go and she will become an obsession. An even bigger obsession than she is now.

Also, about the part where you say that you are 'not able to do anything'.
I can strongly relate to that. I really recognize myself in how you describe that you know what to do, yet you don't do it.
I'm in a comparable situation right now. Sort of.
There's a girl who i've liked for a long time. When i first met her, she had a boyfriend.
We became good friends, but i wanted more than that. But i didn't dare to tell her, because she already had a boyfriend and because i'm a huge pussy when it comes to sharing my feelings.
This poem is about her.
Now, last December, her boyfriend cheated on her. What an asshole.
In the last months, we met a couple of times outside of school. All of those times, we had fun, but.. i didn't 'do' anything. No physical contact. Although i want to. I want to be able to touch her and to kiss her.

This morning, she came to my place (i have my own place now) and we chatted. A lot. I felt the same connection that i felt when i first met her. I even sang a song for her and she liked it! Still no physical contact though, but it feels closer (as in, i feel like it will happen soon) than before. And we've been texting the whole day.

Now, in the period where she had a boyfriend.. in the beginning (when i wrote that poem i linked to) i felt like i would never get over her. But, i did. It took a lot of time, but i realized that, just because she's the first girl i actually have feelings for, doesn't make her the last.
It may take a long time to actually realize that, but eventually you will. At least, i think you will.

Also, what i have also learned is that you really shouldn't force yourself into doing something. Really, i've done that so many times and it only makes me nervous and uncomfortable.

When you learn to really live on your own and when you learn that you really do not need somebody, then it's much more likely for love to come to you.

But i can talk to you and talk to you, but you really have to experience these things for yourself. You'll have to find it all out on yourself.

Good luck Smile

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PostSubject: Re: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/11/2011, 10:02 pm

Well, if you have only skimmed through it, the first paragraph does skip or reinterate a few points. I have gone over the fact that it may be an obession. Truely, I do want either to be back or get over it. The latter is semi-happening, though not as much as I would like.

Right now, she is the only one whom I have ever felt anything above basic "likeness" if you can call it that. She may or may not be the last, I will have to see.
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PostSubject: Re: From my news post. VERY TL;DR   5/12/2011, 9:42 am


Emm, what?
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